Ms Misanthropist

I'm back baby

2007-07-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot about my blog until I did a google search for something completely different and my blog popped up as one of the results. I stopped posting because I suspected somebody at work found and read it. I meant to delete it but it was so long ago now, she's probably forgotten about it. Do people even blog anymore? I'll have to start reading some of my old favourites too.

I didn't even realise I still got messages- thanks. For any old readers, here's the catch up.

*I finally went to Europe - was pretty awesome.
*My father is marrying -again
*I had my goddamn stomach banded because I'm a greedy fuck and the world's fattest vegan.
*I still hate people

I have had this stomach band for about 7 weeks now and have lost quite a lot of weight. One day I'll be brave enough to admit all the stats but not today. You would be horrified if you knew. I eagerly await the nasty, judgemental replies about my operation. It's fun!

Just last week I started chewing and spitting again. I can't eat massive amounts, so this is the only self-destructive thing I can think of. Logical huh?

I'm seeing a psychologist for the first time this week. Poor woman! I anticipate burdening her with every problem I have in 55 minutes and then walking out a rational human being.

I hate that I live in a wealthy western country with ridiculous western problems.

Lame Lyrics

2006-06-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

I love listening to the radio for really bad song lyrics. Check out these two gems.

Rob Thomas is supposedly considered a good songwriter. I beg to differ (though I didn't mind that song he did with Santana).

Something to Be

Dress down
Now I look a little too boy-next-door
Maybe I should try to find a downtown whore
That'll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

Top stuff Rob!

When It All Falls Apart
The Veronicas

These are twins with music like Avril - only they're more annoying as the bits in brackets are sung by the other twin.

With a kiss on the side my face (not again)
And not to mention (the tears I shed)
But I should have kicked your (ass instead)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Do songwriters just get out a rhyming dictionary and go for it?

(Have ignored this blog as have had a number of heath problems which narrowed my focus - plus, I don't have access to a computer at home.)

We are family!

2006-03-27T01:33:00.000-08:00

Was in the supermarket yesterday in a pleb suburb and spied a father with an 8 year old and a 4 year old son.

[Dad picks up gossip rag]

DAD: Look kids, Jessica's pregnant (Simpson, I presume).

8 y.o.: Really?

DAD: I wonder who the father is.

8.y.o.: Me!

DAD: You wish!

This is verbatim.

Live Cockroach Jewellery

2006-03-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

Went to funeral. Afterwards, released deeply repressed anger etc. Surprising when that stuff comes to the surface.

The latest fashion accessory is apparently a live, bejewelled cockroach. I've been culturally trained not be fond of cockroaches but this is just mind-boggling.

http://www.abc4.com/local_news/local_headlines/story.aspx?content_id=3502F420-D813-485C-B5DA-69226910E639

You can watch a video at that link, it's not a hoax!

If you love jewelry and you love insects you're in luck. Local fashion designer Jared Gold has both available at his Black Chandelier store in Trolley Square. Gold sells crystal studded brooches made from living Madagascar hissing cockroaches. "They're Austrian Swarovski crystals and they come in all sorts of colors and each roach has his little pattern on them so they're all individual" says the avant garde designer.Gold says his company buys insects from a breeder in Los Angeles. A co-worker actually sticks the crystals to the back of every bug. Its a painstaking task that involves what he calls, "a secret process." They go for forty dollars each, and Gold says they're selling like hotcakes. But, what will animals rights activists say? Gold says, "It's funny everybody asks that and the reality is...to PETA, it's just a bug, they're vermin really and we just kind give them a new texture. What we do to them in no way injures them or harms them. They live very great lives eating really good food and riding around on fabulous people." Gold has been selling the roaches since last October, but he says a lot of people bought the bugs during Christmas. If you would like to know how to contact SCUMBAG INC, you can log on to their web site at:REFUSE TO PASS ON URL Story by Kerry Kinsey kerry@abc4.tv

[rant] Fuck I hate mankind (no surpise there). Humans can be sick fucks. Didn't they learn anything from Disco Stu's dead goldfish in his platforms? Although I feel I may have passed on advertising for this company, this story just shows humans' belief in their 'dominion' over other animals and their desperate superficiality. Let's stick shiny rocks on these 'vermin' so we can convey the impression that we are elite. I assume the 'fabulous' people who buy these think that they're cutting edge but they're actually taking a few steps back on the evolutionary path. Humans really can be low-lives. In fact, I bet the main reaction to this story is: "Ewww! How can they touch a cockroach!"

[/rant]

I am evil Homer

2006-03-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

Stepmother just died. Bitter, resentful self is batting with compassionate, kind self. We are at an impasse.

This post is just for me

2006-03-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

So I went to my father's house today. My stepmother only has a few days left and he wanted me to see her. I haven't seen her since I was 13. The first time I met her, she was standing over my hospital bed and this time I stood over her bed.

She was so thin and frail that she didn't even look like a human being. In fact, I didn't recognise her as the same person. I wept right there but if was more from shock and being uncomfortable with the whole situation. My Dad told me to say things from my heart.

I said was sorry we didn't have a relationship and that I was sure she was going to a better place.

I was lying.

I don't feel any love for her beyond that of a general compassion for a suffering human being about to leave the ones she loves, including her sisters, children and grandchilden. As for the better place, I don't really think there is one.

I'm very upset that my father asked me to do this. He doesn't know I was upset as I put on a brave face and faked my way through it. He must have asked me because he loves her.

Since I got home, I've been crying and reflecting on the horrible time I had as a kid (dual parental abandonment, rejection, neglect) and I feel very resentful of them both (and my mother as well). I keep thinking how different my life would have been and what a different person I would be now if they all hadn't done what they did. Parents should make it clear that they love their children by putting them first.

I don't know. I didn't feel comfortable in the living room of 50 of my stepmother's relatives. Only one was genuinely friendly. I couldn't have got through it without my brother there. I felt as though they were all judging me- and they were.

Now I'll be expected to go to the funeral and won't even have my brother there, as he's going overseas. I'll do it for Dad but I really don't want to. I have my own things to deal with. I'm finding it hard to extend myself this much.

I know, my woes don't compare to someone dying of stomach cancer but they matter to me.

I've always felt that I was a pretty nice person but today I feel like a horrible, unfeeling monster.

Heeeeeeeeey!

2006-03-10T21:22:00.000-08:00

Watched a bit of the Oscar's the other night but switched off after GEORGE CLOONEY WON AN ACTING AWARD. With the knowledge that Keira Knightly was also up for BEST ACTRESS, I couldn't go on.

I have a beginners' English class and one student, a 55 y.o. disabled Chinese guy, came to class in a brand new T-shirt. It was bright blue and on the front it had a picture of the Fonz with his thumbs up and the caption said: I f***ed your girlfriend!

I was in a bit of a bad mood before class so it made me chuckle. He said he had bought it on special the day before and asked why I was laughing. I typed F*U*C*K into his electronic dictionary and he was mortified. After the break, he had his t-shirt on inside-out and vowed to only wear it in his house from then on.

Was sorry to hear about Dana Reeve's death from lung cancer. Just read Christopher Reeve's autobiography "Still Me" last month and she really was an angel who understood the meaning of love and sacrifice.

I have to keep her in mind tomorrow. My father has asked me to visit my stepmother (his wife obviously). She is about to die of stomach cancer. I don't want to see her and haven't since I was 13 (I'm 30). There are many reasons why I don't want to. Some are childhood scars but even when viewed as an adult, considering what went down back then, she's not someone I want to visit. However, dying people should get their wishes, right? I'm doing it for my Dad, right? You should do anything for family, right? Compassion is my strong point, right? I'm a mature adult, right? It's harder for her than for me, right? Why am I dreading tomorrow?

I'm just glad my brother is coming with me.

Wizz

2006-02-25T05:31:00.000-08:00

Haven't been posting lately. I actually have a moderately serious illness, which has really messed me up a bit. I'll live though and I love a good whinge so I may just post about it.

Anyway, was driving home the other day on a high-speed motorway/freeway/highway- whatever you call it in your neck of the woods- when I was distracted for a moment by two men on the side of the road. Their car was nearby and they were both taking a leak.

I could actually see the streams of urine squirting out. As it was peak hour, so could scores of motorists.

One of the two was talking on his mobile phone while urinating. I couldn't believe my eyes. They could have discretely stood behind their car and faced the other way so no one could see them but they didn't. I was gobsmacked, especially since it was only about 2 minutes' drive past a rest-stop/service station/McDonald's. Couldn't they have gone for a McWizz?

Movie quote of the day:

"Keep your poor-boy dick out of my daughters". Will Patton (Lloyd Abbott) to Jacey (Billy Crudup) in Inventing the Abbotts (1997)

Will Patton is the only guy in the world who could pull off this line.

Bareback Mountin'

2006-02-07T03:03:00.000-08:00

A few months back, I posted about my anticipation for this film. I wasn't disappointed. It was sublime and heartbreaking and not preachy at all.

In Australia, for some reason, it has only been released at one or two cinemas in each capital city and has bypassed suburban complexes altogether. What's up with that? People from Bankstown to Broadmeadows want to see Brokeback Mountain too. I believe the situation will be remedied next week after complaints from the public. It will now be opening at Woden! Erina! Highpoint! and Penriff!

My only two criticism of the film are as follows:

1. Not enough build-up of tension before the first (rough & tumble) sex scene. Not quite enough lingering gazes nor overly-long touching of fingers when passing can-openers. Where were the scenes where they accidentally brushed past each other? They went straight from mud to mountin'.

2. Ledger and Gyllenhall (while brilliant) didn't have a lot of natural chemistry. I believed they were in love because they are good actors but, as an avid slash reader and writer, these two didn't have it. They should have thrown in Johnny Depp instead.

Still, it was a beautiful film and I have already purchased the pirate DVD.

In the past twelve months, there have been three films I have enjoyed - a much higher figure than average. In no particular order, they are:

1. Cinderella Man
2. Walk the Line
3. Brokeback Mountain

Serpent's Revenge

2006-01-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

My brother has far too many unfed, locked-up pets in unsanitary and unnatural habitats. He's done this sort of thing all his life.

He has no regard for them. He'll even wake up reptiles from hibernation to show people. They're just moving toys to him (though not always moving since he barely feeds them).

I end up looking after the lot of them. Rabbits, rats, blue-tongue lizards, mexican walking fish. He's had a few snakes in capitivity for many years. About a month ago, he picked up one of them (even though it was shedding its skin) to show his friend. This snake had never bitten anyone previously but chose that moment to bite my brother hard in the stomach. It wouldn't let go. Wish I had seen it.

Yesterday he was sitting on the couch with tweezers and he plucked two snake's teeth right out of his stomach. He said he'd had a really itchy gut for a while now. Hee!

Waterworld

2006-01-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Went on a brief, cheap holiday. Had to stay with my Grandma who lives practically on the sand of the best beach in Sydney.

*Got bitchslapped by a giant wave and have a sore neck.
*My bottled water leaked in my bag and destroyed my mobile phone and car opener thingy.
*Broke her washing machine and the laundry flooded.

Water is not my friend.

My Grandmother is 85 and watches "Tommy Lee goes to College." She asked me who he was and I told her he was a drummer who dates beautiful women (highly contestable). She said, "Yes, well I couldn't imagine him with a great big fat woman."

Monopoly

2005-12-27T05:17:00.000-08:00

I was playing Monopoly tonight. Everyone had their money and property in neat, colour-coded stacks and my money and property was one giant steaming pile of mess in front of me. One player remarked that she didn't know anyone who lived their life like I do.

I chose to take it as a compliment.

The other day, I told my four year old nephew a story about pirhanas who nibble on unknowing victims who happen to swim or fall in the river. These people then turn into gnawed swamp people with gills who live in underwater hollows. They venture up to the river's surface to grab anyone who enters the water to feast on them, sharing the flesh with the pirharnas (naturally).

He's a smart little kid and he listened with glee. After I went home, I got a phone call from my brother. My nephew was scared shitless and couldn't sleep. I had to explain to him that gnawed swamp people don't really exist and that pirhanas only live in Brazil.

Was watching the news tonight. It was the one-year anniversary of the tsunami and they were showing tributes from Phuket and other Thai resorts. The reporter said, "Australia lost the most lives here except for the Swedes."

Was it a competition?

So I guess Thai lives don't count for they surely outnumbered tourist deaths.

It's funny how Thailand gets all the focus. Anyway, RIP to the victims.

C'mon! Abuse me more. I like it.

2005-12-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

Well at least I didn't eat a giant roasted pig corpse on Christmas Day like the rest of my family. It was avocado, cucumbers, tomato, baba ganoosh and felafel all the way baby. Also, many, many white nectarines.

However, Boxing Day was a different story. This morning for breakfast I had:

Half a bar of dark chocolate with coffee
Four fruit mince pies
2 lentil burgers
Two strawberry muesli bars
Half a tub of So Good Strawberry soy ice-cream

The latter is a montrosity but strangely addictive.

I'm not supposed to eat soy products - doctor's orders. I'm always abusing my gastrointestinal system. It's as though it's not a part of me at all.

I've always had a strong allergy to sea-weed: kelp, nori - you name it. So what did I have for lunch the other day? A box of vegetarian sushi! I'm not supposed to eat seaweed or or soy sauce but my body just craved them. It's been many years since I've eaten Japanese and it tasted so good that I was practically climaxing in the food court of the shopping centre. I was literally moaning with delight. Of course, after I got home this turned to moaning with remorse. I was sick in bed for a good 24 hours afterwards but since I'm on holiday leave, it didn't really matter - no pay was lost.

Well must be off, it's a beautiful day and I might go and soak in a chlorine pool which has dead bugs floating in it.

Caption: Squeeze of Death. I bravely squeeze a fish- shaped soy sauce container onto nori. The risk of hospital admission doesn't cross my mind until later.

Are those fish containers still used by cool kids to house their coloured GHB?

Christmas Gift Ideas

2005-12-20T02:13:00.000-08:00

Well, you've left it too late for online shopping, so what can you get for the women you know?

A strange phenomenon I have been noticing is that electric toothbrushes are becoming more and more like vibrators. Just cruise down the toothbrush aisle and check them out. They have nice smooth tips and little grooves, take standard batteries and are very powerful. Sure to keep any woman satisfied if she uses it three times a day (by that I mean satisfied at her lower bills when she next visits the dentist - natch). Just make sure you choose 'soft' bristles.

Electric toothbrushes make great stocking stuffers (what? I've mastered the single entendre and I'm delving into the double) but if you want to splurge, head down to a department store or pharmacy for a 'back' massager. Actually, they are quite nice for backs, feet and shoulders but most ladies will figure out other uses for it.

Merry X-mas!

I'm a slut

2005-12-16T04:04:00.000-08:00

According to my dictionary, the definition of a slut is "a slovenly woman" so I guess I am a slut. You should see my house. In fact, now that I have a digital camera, I'll give you a tour.

I hate microwaves and don't have one. I mostly cook on the electric stove top. I usually can't be bothered cleaning up whatever I cook and the spillover just cakes on.

The other day I fell asleep after heating and eating some some soup (see product placement to the left). I woke up several hours later and realised I'd left the hotplate on (sans saucepan). The kitchen was really, really hot. It was lucky that I didn't leave any combustibles near it). All the grimy leftover food has now turned black. I wonder if this will make it easier or harder to clean. I'd wager that it'll be a long time before I find out.

Here are some more shots of my humble home. Can you tell I live alone? Don't worry neat freaks, I clean it up when I some friends call to tell me they're going to visit or when I have my bi-annual rental inspection. My father tells me that the state of your house reflects the state of your mind. Draw your own conclusions.

My recycling pile, birthday presents and backpack. These are in my living room.

My lounge chair/couch/sofa. Note how I keep the filth on one side only. This enables for more comfortable lazing and less cockroach contamination on my side.

Movie quote of the day:

This one goes to John Bender (Judd Nelson) in 1985's "The Breakfast Club".

[as his father]"Stupid, worthless, no-good goddamn freeloading son of a bitch retarded big-mouthed know-it-all asshole jerk."

[as his mother] "You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful."

[as his father] "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me turkey pot pie!"

How to cure the chronically late

2005-12-08T01:32:00.000-08:00

I'm meeting a friend tomorrow (I still have a couple of those). This friend is always running late. She says we should meet at 6-630pm. I know to arrive at at 7pm and that there'll still be a short wait.

I was on the toilet reading a Sunday newspaper supplement magazine the other day on the issue of 'chronically late friends'. The article suggests you shouldn't play the 'blame game' and use words like 'always' or 'never' as they are inflammatory.

Melbourne psychologist Meredith Fuller suggests telling your friend this:

"When you are consistently late, it makes me feel neglected and as if you don't value my time. What can we do to work this out?"

Bwah! That's practical advice. Try it on your late friends and see what happens.

The magazine also contains articles on Boho/anything goes fashion as made famous by Carrie Bradshaw as well as an enlightening piece on decorating in the minimalist style on a minimal budget (like that's hard?).

I am yet to find a popular magazine that has a single article relevant to my life. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm on the correct planet because I just don't comprehend any of this stuff and never have.

Pity Party '05

2005-12-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

As 2005 draws to a close, it's time to reflect on the year, which was THE crappiest year in memory.

5 shitty things that happened this year.

1. I had to put my beloved dog down. The hardest thing I have ever had to do.

2. I went through far too many hospital tests when a 'suspicious' nodule was found on my neck. You wouldn't believe how slowly the cogs turn if you don't have health insurance. Oodles of urine tests, blood tests, ultrasounds and inderminate biopsies merely showed that I need to be re-evaluated in six months to decide whether or not to remove my thyroid gland.

3. I was so stressed and sick that I had to cut down to a four day working week. This has led to financial difficulties. I had never had more than a couple of sick days in my life before this year.

4. I put on a lot of weight. This was probably due to diseased thyroid, getting a driver's licence (no walking) and stress-eating.

5. I was seriously depressed for 6 months. My hair has been falling out. I have bald patches despite being a couple of weeks shy of 30.

Things seem to be looking up. I don't know what I base that on but surely next year has to be better than this one. I really need a fuckin' change in attitude. I bring all this shit on myself (at least that's what my mother tells me).

The one with the lost Friends' script

2005-11-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

I dropped half a pack of walnuts on top of the sesame seeds. They were crushed walnuts too. Serves me right for following the trend of trying to increase my Omega 3 fatty acids.

Good news is, I hauled my vaccuum cleaner upstairs. I predict the seeds and nuts will be vaccumed up this week. Had one caught in my shoe the other day- most annoying.

Shit I hate

17. Halle Berry asking me why I should settle for great lashes when I can have new fabuLASH mascara.

18. The death-bed scene where a crispy Johnny (Ralph Macchio) tells Pony Boy (C. Thomas Howell) to "Stay Gold" and the cheesey Stevie Wonder song of the same title that follows in "The Outsiders" (1983) .

19. The noun 'text' being used as a verb. Stop texting me! I just texted in my idol vote. Say I sent a text for fuck's sake!

20. People who say the Get a room or my care factor is zero.

21. The actress who plays Lois Lane on Smallville.

22. People who think Friends/F.R.I.E.N.D.S is a really funny show.

I took this excerpt from a script entitled, "The one where I try to watch past the opening credits".

Joey: How you doing Ross?

Ross: (in whiney voice): I'm sooooooooo like uptight because no girl likes me.

Monica: That's because you've sooooo got lint on your sweater (starts picking it off).

Rachel: Don't worry Ross hoooooney. You'll sooooooooooooo find somebody who loves you one day.

Phoebe: *snort* (strums guitar and sings out-of-tune) "Somebody, Somebody who loves you one day. Will that somebody be Rachel? At this point my care factor is soooooo zero. You two sooooo need to get a room".

Chandler: Oh....my.... God! I soooo need some pain killers.

Rachel: Phoebes honey. Don't even go there!

Studio Audience/Canned laughter: Woooooooooooooooooh! Bwahah ahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahaahahaahahahaahahahahaaha!

Cast plays in fountain for opening credits.

Ennui

2005-11-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

I spilled/spillt a packet of hulled sunflower seeds all over the kitchen floor the other night. For some reason my kitchen floor is carpeted so sweeping them up is too annoying. My vacuum cleaner is downstairs and I'm far too lazy to haul it up. I'm just walking all over the seeds. They feel weird in bare feet. They are slowly scattering all around the house. I'm thinking of watering them to see if they will germinate. Sunflower sprouts are healthy. Maybe if I eat some, I will have the energy to vacuum up the rest.

My garbage disposal broke a few months ago. Lil' flying bugs seem to be attracted to the plug hole. Probably rotten food down there. I'll just plug it and leave it to fester and await the results.

More shit I hate

2005-11-17T03:53:00.000-08:00

I liken this ongoing list to Oprah's Gratitude Journal. I see mine as more of an Ingratitude Journal.

12. Dial-up internet.

13. The fact that I have lucid nightmares every time I eat soy sauce but continue to eat it on a regular basis.

14. The fact that I actually tuned it to the Australia v. Uruguay world cup qualifier and genuinely enjoyed a game of soccer/futball. Yay Australia! As I read on a forum: Me alegro!!!! australianos al mundial!!!! Uruguayos pa' la casa con su garra charrúa!!! (sorry to my three Uruguayan friends).

15. John Travolta celebrating with the socceroos.

16. People who utter any of the following phrases except in mockery: don't (even) go there, friends with benefits/fuck buddy, too much information, 24/7.

Wishful thinking

2005-11-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

These articles from today's IMDb "news":

Madonna went to extraordinary lengths to protect her new album at a top secret media preview this week, by making sure the CD was destroyed after it was played.

Yeah, sure Madonna destroyed it.

Fans of Hollywood superstar Russell Crowe can hire him to sing at their Christmas party - if they have a spare $900,000. The actor and keen musician will travel anywhere in the world with or without his band 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts for the right money.

So how much will it cost for him not to sing? Seriously though, I think he's intelligent starting up a 'future fund' this early to pay for next year's out-of-court settlements.

Shit I hate

10. People who don't understand the difference between "memento" and "momento".

11. People who spell definitely definately

My first five kisses

2005-11-10T04:43:00.000-08:00

First kiss: Was sitting on the rocks by a beach when I was 13 when a guy of about 25 sat next to me and started to talk. We talked for about 10 minutes and he planted one on me. Strangely, it was not unwelcome as I was dying to be kissed but I hurried off straight afterwards. In retrospect, what a predator!

Second kiss: At year 10 formal a girl planted one on me. Second kiss was a lesbian kiss. Just a peck really but fairly exciting stuff. I wisely didn't tell anyone, less she be crucified by the kids at school. Not enough to turn me I'm afraid.

Third kiss: Was walking down a Sydney street when a guy walked towards me very quickly. He was strangely dressed, reeked of alcohol but was otherwise hot. He grabbed me by the shoulders (in broad daylight with many people around) and covered my mouth with his stinky open one and shoved the tongue in. The stubble was scratching my skin but he was very tall and strong and I couldn't push him off. He grabbed my arse with one of his hands and I could hear 50 people cheering. I panicked and shoved him away only to see a crowd of drunk Irish tourists standing out the front of the pub cheering. I must have been a dare. I walked off but wasn't shaken 30 seconds later. It was sorta funny but I always walk on the other side of the road when I get near that pub now.

Fourth and fifth kiss Year twelve formal. Was living in South America at the time. A guy in year 10 moved in for the kill. I guess he thought gringas on prom night were easy. It was gross and I pushed him away. Luckily, Claudio- the boy I'd had the biggest crush on all year- came over and rescued me. We danced all night and he drove me home at 6am - which is normal for parties in South America- and gave me a very nice kiss right outside of my house at dawn. I hadn't realised he liked me too and he told me he liked me all year. Oooh, I'll remember that feeling forever. Was my first luuuuuuuuurver too but that's for another post.

The Cutting Edge

2005-11-09T04:11:00.000-08:00

Went to my brother's house and his wife had the latest 'Cosmo' on the coffee table. On the front was a headline that caught my eye, "Chew and Spit - the frightening new eating disorder." Bah! I already did a weblog entry about that on September 13. Cosmo is behind the times. There was a picture of a fashionable young thing who had obviously spit (spat sounds cooler) food into her tres expensive handbag. Classy!

Sure chew and spit wrecks your teeth but it's much quieter than bulimia/purging and far less irritating to the throat. It's much tastier than anorexia/starvation and has the endorphin rush of compulsive/binge eating without the guilt.

I've tried all four of these eating disorders. I'm not sure which is my favourite. Maybe I could make out a weekly plan.

THE 'GET BACK INTO SHAPE SO BOYS & GIRLS WILL LOVE YOU AND THINK YOU'RE WORTHWHILE BECAUSE YOU'RE SLIM' WEEKLY PLANNER*

Sunday: Binge eating, evening weigh-in.
Monday: Starvation, 16 litres of water.
Tuesday: Binge eating then bulimia.
Wednesday: Starvation and cursing at reflection. Followed by making a list of 100 foods you would like to eat right now and then burning said list and scattering the ashes to the four winds.
Thursday: Chew and spit into napkin/handbag at business lunch followed by evening binge. Then laxatives/diahorrea and purging after reading fashion magazine then a weigh-in and a suicidal diary entry.
Friday: Manic jog in extreme heat followed by starvation. Make excel chart of predicted weight loss.
Saturday: An hourly rotation of the following: compulsive eating, barbituates, ipecac syrup, cutting, powdered diet shakes, starvation, scales-urination-scales, self-loathing, grapefruit, low GI carbs, high GI carbs, nasty & motivational notes and photos on fridge, cutting up of fat clothes and sobbing while trying on thin clothes, vitamin pill popping, eating disorder web research, online psychologist referral, macrobiotic rice balls, depression, eating of high-protein tofu and a chew and spit before sprinting to capital city of choice and back.

*Consult your doctor before starting any new diet or exercise plan.

A couple of questions to ponder

2005-11-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

1. Is it wrong to eat straight from the saucepan, resting it on a towel as you sit on the lounge in front of the TV, to avoid excess washing up?

2. Do calories actually exist if you don't count them?

Perspective

2005-11-07T02:53:00.000-08:00

As I whined away at not having time to get a fresh-vegie juice before work and cursed at my commitment to catch ShittyRail Sydney trains all week rather than drive, I entered my class of adult migrants feeling somewhat unenthusiastic about teaching on a Monday morning.

We started with discussing news events such as Paris riots and P&O pirates. We talked about the meaning of words like assassination, infamy, catastophe and disaster.

I asked them to talk about a disaster, natural or man-made in their country's history. One of the Afghan(i) women (who had incidentally brought me a post-ramadan doggie bag), talked about the time when she went outside and 'rockets filled the sky' and another added an anecdote about how she once spent a week hiding in a corner, afraid of being bombed to buggery. Another Afghani man told the tale of how he lost his leg when his mechanic's workshop was bombed. All of his colleagues died. The Serbian lady (who doesn't like Muslims) suddenly bonded with them and told her stories of sirens and bombs. The recently arrived Indonesian added a little tsunami horror and others told of earthquakes and governments shooting at people.

And I didn't get a fucking fresh juice. Woe is fucking me.

We don't have discussions like that every day but I feel privileged to hear them. When I see them again on Wednesday, we're going to talk about recycling instead.

Movie Quote of the Day:

Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.

Megan Follows/Anne Shirley in "Anne of Green Gables" (1985) - uncut version.

All Creatures Great and Small

2005-11-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

A wall of the Roman forum collapsed today, the rest may go soon. It's eerily reflective of the state of politics in Australia.

I finally have a method of removing large spiders from my house. Killing them is for mugs with no imagination. It's like hitting a small child. I live in an area with lots of trees and hang my washing on the balcony. I often don't bring it in until the evening so it's not uncommon to find a large (non-venemous) spider on my wall.

1. Spiders like to say up high and if you're a little scared of them like I am, wait until they find their way into the bathroom.

2. Have a hot shower with lots of steam. The steam will make the spider climb down lower.

3. Get out of the shower, put your glasses on, wrap a towel around yourself and quickly go into the kitchen and find a plastic container and a piece of paper.

4. Open the balcony door.

5. Without hesitation, put the plastic container over the spider against the bathroom wall.

6. Gently slide the piece of paper under the container as a makeshift lid. Fold the edges of the paper around the container. You can use the real lid but there's less chance of it escaping and scurrying all over your naked skin this way.

7. Walk very quickly to balcony door and throw paper and container on the ground and shut and lock the door.

8. Do the following things in desired order: scream, get dressed, boil the kettle, make a nice cup of tea, sit down on and give yourself a pat on the back.

In honour of the Elvis telemovie airing tonight, this quote is from the title song of "Jailhouse Rock" (1957).

The sad sack was a sittin' on a block of stone;
way over in the corner weepin' all alone.
The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square,
if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair."

Self-titled

2005-11-04T05:15:00.000-08:00

It's funny. I would freak out if anyone read my 'paper journal'. I've been writing journals since I was a kid and have at least 10 volumes. I keep them well hidden and no one has ever read them. Then I come here and I get all excited when someone posts a message. Weird huh? I guess it's the beauty of being anonymous.

Shit I hate:

7. People who say other people are "passive-aggressive."
8. Adult students who steal unopened boxes of chocolates from fridges (intended for students' Melbourne Cup prize) and scoff the lot, blatently leaving empty box beside bin.
9. Sanitary bins which aren't emptied more than once a week so when you open them, 208 insects fly out and you see bloodied tampon cords poking out.

A female Thai student told me that you should just be honest with people and look them right in the eye and speak from the heart and they won't be angry with you if the sincerity is there.

I tried it on my colleague, who has been taking my books and original teaching materials from my filing cabinet and photocopying everything.

I looked her right in the eye and said that she's been helping herself to my creativity and hours of work as well as copying my books which I bought with my hard-earned cash and that I feel like she's stealing from me. I also added that she has never asked permission or given me anything in return. She acknowledged it was true and today apologised to me. Maybe this stuff works.

The other day I was sitting the backyard of my brother's house with my little nephews. I screamed and wailed and went insane and they joined me in the screaming. It was quite therapeutic and saved me from stuffing food into the gaping cavity located between my chin and my nose.

A few posts back, I mentioned how I cleaned my house. Well, it's already back to squalor. People would swear a heroin addict lives here. It's utter fucking chaos. Clothes both washed and dirty are all over the the lving room floor alongside 4 large cardboard boxes filled to the brim with newspapers, cardboard and glass jars. Each Sunday I find a reason not to carry them downstairs to be recycled. I'll probably have to just chuck them in the normal bin to get rid of them. I don't even dare peep into my fridge. There are tomatoes and shit walking around in there. I can hear them.

It's seems to me that I only have enough energy and focus to get through the working week and sleep. I need a fucking maid and a personal assistant to tie my shoelaces and cut my toenails and shit.

It's probably because I'm suffering from what three quarters of Tibet is suffering. IDD - Iodine Deficiency Disorder. It lowers IQ and causes goitre and cretinism. I've been boosting levels for months now but it just makes me vomit and stuff. I need a better fucking endocrynologist. I need to get everything re-tested somewhere else. Ultrasounds, urine tests, biopsies and full blood counts.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a fucking sealed coffin like a vampire and lie still all day.

That said, my frame of mind has actually been very good this week. Even work seemed easy today and my hands felt sexy clutching the steering wheel as I went hand over hand on sharps corners and roundabouts. Have I lost ya there? Nevermind!

Spider continues to plague my existence. It's sitting above my head right now. It's a big motherfucker. I swear to god it's deliberately sitting in the aircon stream.

Quote of the Day: Gluttony is not a secret vice - Orson Welles

Movie Quote of the Day:

"I'm drowning in assholes."

Jason 'Igby' Slocumb, Jr. (Keiran Culkin) - "Igby Goes Down" (2002)

Rent it for the opening scene alone.

I hate that shit

2005-11-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Having a day off today. It is very hot so I'm about to take a swim in the pool outside. The air conditioner is blasting and I've been reading a book all morning.

Shit I hate:

1. People who say "It's all good" when it's not.

2. People who say "Word" to show agreement or worse still "Wordy McWord" or "Word squared".

3. People who say "What part of XYZ don't you understand?"

4. American Pie: Bandcamp movie.

5. The latest Simple Plan single called "What's going on?"(Girls want to be on TV, diet pills! surgery! Photoshop pictures in magazines! Has everybody gone crazy? Is anybody going to save me? Tell me what's going on. Something is wroooooooong!).

Who the fuck likes that shit?

6. The din of cicadas on hot days. It's all quiet and peaceful and a solitary one starts meeeeeeeeing and all of a sudden a full cacophony MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

and then they stop again just as suddenly. Conformists!

Lex Luthor, horses, spiders and Mr Darcy

2005-11-02T03:23:00.000-08:00

Confession: I regularly watch and enjoy "Smallville". About 50% of episodes lick arse but the other 50% kick arse. Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor is my private fantasy, add James Masters as Prof. Fine/Braniac and I am in raptures. If you do decide to watch it, and I highly recommend you do, just FF the Lois Lane scenes and remember that it's a comic book.

Now that my credibility is blown, let me continue. Thanks to all the people who have posted messages on here or given my links. I will return the favour when I get my arse into gear.

This week was Melbourne Cup. It's a horsey race in Melbourne for which the winner gets a cup. It's a big deal in Australia, people wear hats and shit and get the afternoon off work and bet $140 million etc. I'm against animal exploitation but had to put in $5 in the sweeps at work less I be accused of being "UnAustralian". Since the money would be won by a colleague, rather than being a voluntary donation to the government, I didn't see the harm in it. I pander to the human race from time to time. I drew a horse out of a hat and it did not finish the race. Very appropriate.

My bid to live a less anxious life must be working. A dude who works on my floor was downstairs having a smoke out the back. I've never spoken to him before but as I was coming back from lunch he said, "How come you're not stressed?"

I shot back, "Because I only work 4 days per week." He looked at me with disbelief and envy.

Daylight savings began on the weekend. Finally, I decided to change the clock in my lounge room. I took it off the wall and a tremendously large spider shot out. It's been crawling around the house for a few days but won't stay still when I go near it, so I can't put it outside. We've come to a tacit agreement. He'll stay out of my way and I'll stay out of his.

Movie quote of the day:

Bingley (Crispin Bonham-Carter) : Darcy, I must have you dance."

Mr Darcy (Colin Firth): At an assembly such as this? It would be insupportable."

Pride and Prejude (1995) - (Naturally, credit must go to Jane Austin).

I would love to use this line in real life.

Bartender: What would you like to drink?

Me: Drink? At an assembly such as this? It would be insupportable!

Speaking of Pride and Prejudice, if you were wondering about whether to see the new movie version with Keira Knightly, the answer is a big, morbidly obese NO. Read on if you're interested in my review. Move on if you ain't.

Pride and Prejudice (2005)
Best Thing: Closing Titles
Worst Thing: Wuthering Depths

I know it's unfair to compare this to the 1995 BBC mini-series and book but it's impossible for someone who loves both. I saw the film today and loathed it. The setting, the actors, the frenetic but slow pace (you'll know what I mean when you see it) and the crowded balls. I tried, I really did try to like it.I admired it at first first for being completely different from other adaptations and thought that it could be romantic that Darcy loved Lizzy despite her poverty but I quickly started to detest everything I was seeing.It was so hard to take seriously. There were a few too many dramatic, slo-mo, bad-romantic-novel moments and usage of art to try to inject sensuality because the actors themselves couldn't provide it. It was a chore to sit through. Half the audience was snickering throughout.The casting was embarrassingly innappropriate, Caroline looked like a hooker, there was no Mrs/Mr Hurst or Mariah Lucas, Jane was graceless with bleached hair and dark eyebrows, Lizzy was mean-spirited and witless, the house was dirty with geese and pigs in the yard, Mr Bingley was retarded and Mr Bennet looked wild. I liked the casting of Lady Catherine, Charlotte Lucas and Mary. Lydia/Jena Malone had some screen presence but it was hard to hear what she was saying for all the laughter. Wickham who? Mr Collins was amusing to watch (well, I was agog anyway - he seemed to be autistic). Mrs Bennet wasn't too bad (but not the cleavage, please!).The outdoor settings were lovely (in parts) but weather often replaced emotions. The oft-repeated ridiculously drawn-out closeups of Knightly from the neck up were tiresome. She is so skinny, I could see her thyroid gland in most shots. She portrayed a miserable Lizzy with very little sense of fun (except for the wrinkled-nose giggling in the beginning). She also imitated Jennifer Ehle's intonation and word stress in several key scenes but I guess she successfully made a different kind of Lizzie overall. I dug the new Mr Darcy looks-wise. He had lovely eyes but without the depth of feeling of Colin Firth. I'd be interested to hear what others think about this movie. For me, it was insupportable.

It tolls for me

2005-10-30T01:56:00.000-08:00

Trying not to torture myself so much so had a weekend away near the beach. I paid over $10 in various tolls all up, not to mention the petrol. The fuck! Haven't they paid off the Sydney Harbour Bridge yet?

Was a nice weekend. Spent very little and drove up and down breathtaking coast while playing the Beach Boys (what? I'm not entitled to complete happiness). It was fun pretending to be a human being. I even went for a swim in the sea at dusk. I feel as though I own the beach at dusk (after all the plebs have gone home). Plus, there is an increased chance of being taken by a shark which adds excitement to the proceedings.

Drove home for far too long in the pouring Sunday rain. There was a bride + family in a wedding car on the way to be married. I wanted to scream out, "Don't do it!" but the windows were down and I knew she'd never hear. You can't save 'em all.

Currently eating: Lime and Ginger potato chips.

Well I have to go and 'entertain myself'. It's been a while.

Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah - I work 4 days per week whilst others work 5

2005-10-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

I had a day off today. It's so refreshing to work a 4 day week. I made sure I was up, showered and dressed by 6. 6PM that is!

It's was a very warm spring day so I had a swim in my neighbour's pool, which is right outside my back door with no fence. The water was a little cold but the sun was warm.

I went to my brother's house and played with his little boys on the trampoline and read "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back." I wish I had little cats A-Z to help me out in a bind.

I'm totally broke but today, life didn't seem so bad.

Movie quote of the day

In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.
Ben Stein/Economic's teacher - Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Buena Vista

2005-10-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

I've just realised that staying in the house watching DVDs all day is probably not a good prescription for depression. I'd get a real prescription but I'm worried that Tom Cruise might disapprove.

Anyway, I live near a big river and when was the last time I went to the banks? I'd say 11 years' ago. For some reason tonight I went down there and sat on the stones in the water by the bank and a lot of black ducks swam up to me. It was twilight, about to storm and I felt peace and tranquility wash over me. Forgot about my woes for a few minutes and felt calm. I haven't felt calm in years. I need more moments like that. I've had too many bad things happen to me lately.

I'm finally working 4 days per week. It was such a physical and psychological relief. I'm very glad I made the decision and will keep it up until the end of the year. I really have to learn not to be so harsh with myself all the time.

Tonight I watched "Legends of the Fall" (1994). It's a melodramatic epic set around the time of WW1 and stars Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. I remember seeing it in the cinema when it was first released and thought it was a love story. At that time I loved Tristan (Brad Pitt), disliked Susannah (Julia Ormond) for not waiting for Tristan and thought Alfred (Aidan Quinn) was a self-pitying bore. I also thought Anthony Hopkins gave a wonderful performance as the father.

Anyway, I just watched tonight after 10 years and now and have realised that Alfred (Aidan Quinn) is the hero of the story (and the hottest because Pitt just looks girlie to me now). Anthony Hopkins is terrible in the role. This time I felt compassion for Susannah (Julia Ormond) and realised that it's not a love story at all. It's a story about family relationships and how we can be so cruel to each other but, ultimately, we stick together when the chips are down.

I highly recommend this film to women or lovers of stunning, dramatic epics with beautiful cinematography and gorgeous scores.

Robbin' Hood

2005-10-10T04:30:00.000-07:00

I have a crappy old 1991 Holden which was broken into today in the parking station outside my work (for the second time in two weeks). The thief broke the lock (first it was the boot, this time, the driver's door). Fortunately, everything still opens with the clicker and they left the petrol alone this time.

Despite rifling through my work documents, they found nothing to steal. They only hacked off the front cover of my CD stereo but couldn't get it out. My brother reckons he can fix it. They also left half a pack of (unchewed) gum on the seat. People are strange. The parking attendant guy didn't give a shit and said they only have cameras on the entries and exits.

I guess my lesson is, if you don't have too much shit, then nobody can take it from you. Sage, no?

I shouldn't whinge too much though, considering I can hear details of the Pakistani earthquake on the news in the background.

Meet the Parents

2005-10-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

I'm like my parents in two ways.

1. Workaholic (I would average two sick days per year and a lot of overtime until recently, when I have had six days off in as many weeks).
2. Emotionally distant

Fortunately, I haven't yet had my empathy chip removed.

I have been very sick lately (thyroid condition, headaches, hoarse voice, nose-bleeds, lethargy, depression) and after working 6 days this week and no end in site, I told my boss that I have to cut back to four days per week. He said he'd think about it.

I told my Mum. For some reason I needed her permission (I'm 29). I wanted her to say something like, "Yes, that's a good idea. You need some time to recover and work shouldn't be a priority right now." So I called her and told her.

*long pause on other end of line*

Me: Is this the part where you go silent until the subject is changed? (belligerent, I know)

*even longer pause on other end of line*

I just think you get sick because you want to be. You need to change your attitude, not the number of days you work.

Thanks Mum! You always know just what to say. I remember a few years ago when I was still at uni, she told me to sign up for public housing (there's a 9 year wait in Australia).

I just talked to Dad on the phone too. He's probably worked 90 hours this week and he's pushing 60 years. His wife has stomach cancer and is very ill. I don't get along with her but I always discuss her condition with him and give him support and sympathy.

Dad: How was your week?

Me: OK, although I was a little bit sick again. Also, I'm sad because my dog died.

Dad: Well, everything has to die. So have you heard from your brother?

________________________________________________
A colleague (via email).

Me: I'm upset because I had to put my dog to sleep.

Colleague: Cheer up! You can't change the life span of other species.

Grrrr!

Up the duff

2005-10-06T04:14:00.000-07:00

I shit you not. I actually ate a 6 pack of these today. Did the aforementioned chew 'n' spit on 4 of them.

Leda Luxury Double Choc Indulgent Cookies

Ingredients: Dairy Free Compound Chocolate (vegetable fat, soy flour, isomalt, oligofructose, cocoa mass, emulsifiers (Soya Lecithin, E476), Flavour), Gluten Free Flour (Chick Pea, Corn, Tapioca, Rice Flour), Vegetable Oil, Fructose, Rice Syrup, Cocoa, Pear Juice Concentrate, Inulin, Raising Agent, Sodium Bicarbonate, Natural Flavour.

Bear in mind that these are from the health food section. This ingredient list is surely a sign of the apocolypse. I'm going to check in the mirror for an extra head when I wake up tomorrow morning.

I woke up to the 6am news of my local radio station which said (and I quote), "It's been confirmed that Katie Holmes is up the duff." *grin* Gotta love that expression. Is that Australian or is it used in other countries too?

This from eonline.com

FIRST DAUGHTER (OR SON): Tom Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Ann Devette, confirming to E! that the actor is expecting his first child with fiancée Katie Holmes. "They are so happy," Devette said.

I gather this is a sophisticated word play on Holmes' movie "First Daughter." Don't panic, I haven't watched it. Just saw it on the shelf at Blockbuster. Isn't this comment a little insulting to Cruise's two existing children? I guess adopted children don't count. I'll leave the ew!he's.old.enough.to.be.her.father doesn't.he.shoot.blanks? Gay.scientology conspiracy &Nicole's.DNA.tested.miscarriage comments to other blogs and say something positive.

It could be worse, she could have bred with Dawson Leery. I hope they give a lovely silent birth to a special little thetan and that Katie doesn't suffer from depression afterwards.

Currently reading: A Breath of Snow and Ashes - Diana Gabaldon.

Fuckin' Vanuatu

2005-10-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

Is public holiday today (yay!) Am staying home, though it's a gorgeous day, due to petrol price ridiculousness. Also, I've had a killer sore throat for more than a week. I get them a few times a year and lose my voice etc. The infected wisdom teeth and diseased thyroid probably don't help the situation. Sounds pretty tasty, huh?

Anyway, I've been unable to eat anything solid and it makes for quite an interesting diet.

Breakfast: Cooked oats with pureed banana and strawberry - juice, coffee
Snack: Chocolate (must be sucked 'til it melts), tea with lemon.
Lunch: Green soup (yes, it must be green. Green is good). Hommous with nothing.
Dinner: Thai takeaway which had to be shoved in a food processor. Big mistake, chilli irritated throat.

I also had lots of lemon "Calippos" (ice-block type deals).

Back to work tomorrow. Grrrrrrr! Haven't I found that great new job yet? I've also got to get myself a digital camera to illustrate this blog. The blogs with photos are so much more interesting.

Roads are blocked around my house at the moment and traffic is controlled by workmen (and women) with signs and walkie talkies. A ridiculous new development is being built. Anyway, I'm waiting and waiting in my car when one of the houses nearby gets a huge gazebo delivered, complete with grass covered roof. Kind of like the one I have on my wall above my computer. The kind you would see on a pacific island.

Walkie Talkie 1 : What's the holdup?

Walkie Talkie 2: Some clown's getting a gazebo delivered and is blockin' up the road.

Walkie Talkie 1: What is this, fuckin' Vanuatu?

Top stuff!

Speaking of which, why don't Australians visit fucking Vanuatu instead of Bali? Vanuatu has many advantages:

1. Fewer bombs
2. No death penalty

Condolences to the victims and their families.

Zellweger = Not good

2005-10-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I will keep my dog grief for my paper journal but the house is so empty without her *sniff*

For a while now, I've noticed a black and white bird flying up to my kitchen window and pecking it about 1000 times per day. As I'm at work most of the time, I never thought of doing something about it. Well today I stuck some newspaper on the kitchen window. Voila! Bird gone. I was quite chuffed with myself because I had saved the bird from a fruitless life and a sore beak but then I got an attack of the guilts. What of this bird was truly in love with its own reflection? Am I taking away its raison d'etre. Bummer!

I also saw a movie today. Ron Howard's "Cinderella Man". It was sublime. Russell Crowe is often accused of being a tool but he certainly knows what to do in front of a camera (as long as it's not a hidden, security camera). I declare that Russell Crowe as Jim Braddock is very likeable and the movie is not overly patriotic as I expected it would be.

I would even say that I enjoyed it more than "Million Dollar Baby." Though MDB has scenes of more subtlety and of stronger emotional impact, it wasn't as accessible or as satisfying as "Cinderella Man".

Obviously, Renee Zellweger is in it which is never good but she only has a small role and bothered me less than usual (but still bugged me). However, this is the best movie I've seen in quite a long time.

Movie Quote of the Day

"Suck my fat one you cheap dime-store hood."

Gordie LaChance (Will Wheaton) to Ace (Kiefer Sutherland) in "Stand By Me" (1985)

Bye Bye Dogga

2005-09-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Well, she's finally gone. 13+ years ago, I pulled her from her mother's womb because she was stuck and held her upside-down to stimulate her to breathe and only 2 hours ago, I held her face in my hands and looked into her eyes as she died. It was a quiet, peaceful death and mercifully quick. I'll miss you so much my doggie.

Dog Blog

2005-09-22T04:54:00.000-07:00

Will not be blogging for a while as I have to spend time with my dog who will leave me in just a matter of days. I am so very, very sad that written words can't even express it.

If you don't scrub that kitchen floor

2005-09-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

You ain't gonna rock 'n' roll no more Yakety Yack (don't come back).

Got a call from a friend this morning. She's someone I actually like (which is highly, highly unusual). She said that she and her husband were driving my way and would drop in around 6pm. I said, "Yeah, sure!" and screamed as I hung up the phone.

I looked around my house (with its new curtains) and it was like a warzone. I scrubbed and wiped and vaccumed and mopped and chucked stuff out and dusted for 5 solid hours (I'm not kidding) until it looked respectable and then acted all cool when they came in as though I'm not a person who lives in squalour. Even served up a fruit platter. I had to go and buy sugar and milk because I don't have that sort of thing in my house. Glad they didn't ask for a glass of water because I have no glasses (chucked them out rather than wash up) or even plastic cups.

Anyway, I must admit that my state of mind is a little altered now that my house looks nice. I have a tremendous urge to chuck a few random things on the floor and take deep breaths.

As odd as it was having young, attractive and interesting visitors (I'm all up for new experiences to try to beat my proclivity for depression), I can't help but feel disappointed that it's one day fewer I won't spend with dog (who lives with my mother). I was going to get out the video camera today and spend some time loving her. She doesn't have long to go now. It's important that I know when to acknowledge when she's suffering more than she's getting pleasure. I feel the time is near and it gives me enormous pain. I have to summon the strength to make this decision.

I brought her into this world (or rather pulled her out of her mother's womb because she was stuck) and I know I need to be there to see her go. However, I know it will cause unnecessary distress if she sees me crying with despair as they put her to sleep. She'll know something's wrong. I don't know how I'll control myself. It's just so unfair that she has to go now, just because of arthritis. I'll miss her so much for the rest of my days. How can these 13 long years of happiness we have brought each other be coming to and end? :-(

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

Anonymous

Zestful

2005-09-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

I just ate some Quinoa and green vegetable soup in a bid to restore my shocking health and to drown the 250g bar of Whittaker's 'Zestful Orange Bittersweet Chocolate' which I ate today (Don't judge me - I had to work overtime on a Friday night!).

The back of the packet says, "Quinoa (pronounced Keen-wah) is an ancient wonder grain favoured by the Incas" (Yuck! I wonder how ancient) as opposed to Joaquin (pronounced Wah-Keen) Phoenix who is a wonderful actor in an ancient Roman epic favoured by moviegoers.

What else? Driving for 1 hour on a motorway at night in the pouring rain at 110km/hr (metric system - deal with it) while on my P plates (new drivers must have them for 3 years in Australia). listening to a Roger Whittaker CD is not highly recommended. Especially when you keep playing, "The Last Farewell."

Whittakers chocolate, Roger Whittaker, Keen-Wah, Wah-Keen - behold the wonderous cohesion!

NEWSFLASH Mould on the kitchen sink has been scrubbed and cleaned on one side only. Fungal growth continues unabated on the other. I've gotta get me one of those new-fangled digi cameras to show yous how gnarly it looks.

(Sincerest apologies to anyone who happens to stumble across this blog. Not every post can be worth reading).

Movie quote of the Day

RIIIIIIITCHIEEEEEEEEEEE!

Uttered by Esai Morales (Bobby) upon hearing of brother Ritchie's death in "La Bamba (1987)"

Self-surgery

2005-09-14T04:12:00.000-07:00

Had a tastebud at the front of my tongue just sticking up insolently, separate from the rest. It hurt like a mouth ulcer and I was compulsively rubbing it against my teeth all day. I decided to teach the bugger a lesson and clipped it off with some nail clippers. It bled. What a wuss!

Chew 'n' Spit

2005-09-13T02:53:00.000-07:00

Chew 'n' spit is an alternative to bulimia made famous by Elton John. You just buy stuff, chew it and spit it out without swallowing, thus ingesting fewer calories. This is best done alone. It sounds gross but it's much MUCH nicer than having your fingernails scratching the back on your throat as you stimulate your gag reflex.

Bought a bottle of EXIT MOULD today. I'm feeling very optimistic. I'm thinking of spraying some around in the kitchen. I'll start wherever I see mushrooms growing.

Brokeback mountin'

2005-09-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

Can't wait to see the title film. Apparently Heath and Jake slam each other against walls and make out (internal quiver). Plus, Ang Lee's films have been pretty good thus far.

Today a student gave me a boiled egg. A fucking hard-boiled egg. I said, "Thanks!" and put it in my pocket for the rest of the day. When I got home, I was going to give it to the dog but I couldn't be arsed shelling it and wasn't sure how long they keep outside of the fridge so I chucked it.

Dark, leafy greens

2005-09-11T05:54:00.001-07:00

Bear in mind before you judge me too harshly that I've never EVER done any kind of decorating in my life until today. Misanthropists just don't give a fuck about that kind of thing. What's up with me? Could I really be dying?

Tried to get some green curtains to replace these horrible orange-brown brocade ones designed by the colour-blind (no pun intended). I need the kind with hooks and got the rod kind. Hookers, rods, blindness. Where is this leading?

Masturbated and came four (4!) times in a row. Gotta love those back massagers.

Made some dark-leafy green soup. It had coriander, parsely, bok choy, leek, shallots and English spinach. I need the nutrients.

Bought a poster for my beige walls. It's a white sandy path leading to a gazebo that faces endless ocean. It's a metaphor for my life's journey (or a contrived $9.95 poster for plebs). What the fuck is up with my decorating today? I've never done any in my life. I even bought a sea grass basket to store my vitamins in so they're not all over the mould-covered bench. See, I did promise you a miracle.

I promised you a miracle

2005-09-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Actually went outside before 4pm on a Saturday. I should give myself a pat on the back. Didn't clean up or do any job applications. A girl's got to have goals. Wouldn't have any if I did the stuff I'm supposed to do.

Went to Target to try to buy curtains for my living room; they're currently orange and gold and after 4 years have suddenly given me the shits. Who the fuck would buy suck ugly-arse curtains? No wonder I'm depressed! I also wanted to buy a poster for my wall. All I see is beige beige beige beige beige beige beige beige. Again, it's been like this for years. Why did it suddenly bother me today?

Found out that no shop sells posters and curtains are fuckin' expensive. Bought some socks made by poor Chinese factory workers instead.

That said, I love the days I don't have to work.

Cyst city - here we come!

2005-09-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

Found another bloody lump today. This time under my chin but much too high to be on the thyroid gland. I almost can't be bothered getting it tested as I feel quite good today.

My poor doggie can barely get up. I've had her for 13 years and I love her so much. It pains me to know that I will have to get her put down this year. I hoped the day would never come.

I continue to look for another job. I wish I would hurry up and get one. All of my friends are doing it (mind you, I don't have friends as I'm a misanthropist. Occasional acquaintences would be a better noun group).

I bumped into an old schoolmate today. It's been over 10 years. I used to think she was so cool because she wore a fork around her wrist.

A life in crisis

2005-09-08T04:49:00.000-07:00

Wore my massive, new, men's size 12, non-leather 29.95 clown shoes today. So comfortable, not a blister to be found.

Physically, I felt OK for the most part today. However, I look around this house and realise that I am in crisis. I only clean it when I have a rental inspection and I haven't washed up in months.

I just have a couple of plates and bowls, knives, forks & spoons in the sink. I threw the rest out. Even the sink is mouldy. My life is utter chaos. I only seem to have enough energy to do my job and walk the dog and that's it. Something has to change.

I look in my fridge and realise it hasn't been cleaned since the day I bought it, over two years' ago.

How fucking slovenly!

Cried myself to sleep

2005-09-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

Saw Bad Santa the other day. Could I have possibly written and directed it and then just forgotten?

5 Misanthropic movies

1. Bad Santa
2. Heathers
3. Groundhog Day
4. Oh Fuck It

After listening to MMM dj Spoonman's comments about fat people and how they should be vilified in public, I cried myself through a meditation CD and to sleep. I know society sux but it would be nice to know how it feels to be a part of it so I could make fun of it more effectively.

The worst thing is, the whole time I was bawling I could feel the massive presence of the disturbing golf-ball sized lump in my neck. I just wanted to swallow it or something.

Felt surprisingly good today. No dry-retching.

Ol' goitre neck.